Friday, 23 January 2015

How to start your own campaign group

All this talk of campaign groups over the course of the week has gotten me thinking. Some of those folk who go on the news to spout their opinions look like they’re having a really great time. I mean, they wear groovy t-shirts they designed themselves, they hang around all day with like minded friends and even get to appear on the television, where they doubtless mingle with celebrities and enjoy a champagne lifestyle. I’m really rather envious.

So with this in mind I’ve decided to start my own campaign group and get in on the action. I don’t want to miss out on all the fun. Why should my opinions and personal choices remain inside my own head, when I could be ramming them down the throat of all and sundry?

Obviously I need something to campaign against. I need to pick something that has no effect on my life whatsoever, yet because of my own personal dislike of whatever it is, I will demand the legal framework of our democracy be entirely altered to fit in with my wont, and this thing be banned forever. I’m a hardened campaigner now, so my opinion clearly takes precedence over everybody else’s.

I’ve therefore decided the subject of my campaign will be opera. I don’t like opera – it’s nothing but a bunch of stout people warbling in Italian and it gets on my tits. Now, I could exercise my right to avoid opera by simply not going to any opera performances, but for a campaigner like myself, that wouldn’t be going nearly far enough. No, I want opera banned forever; if I don’t personally like something, then everybody else should be forced to live without it.

So how does one go about starting a campaign? I’ve studied the form of several professional campaigners, and come up with an easy to follow list of requirements.

Cherry pick your data
There are positives and negatives in every walk of life, but it’s the negatives we must dwell on if we’re to convince people of our argument. The anti-drug lobby, for example, conveniently ignores the fact that tens of thousands of people take ecstasy in the UK every week, and suffer no long term ill effects. Instead they concentrate on the one person who tragically died whilst using E, and turn her into their poster girl. So with that in mind, let me tell you about Leonard Warren, who collapsed and died onstage while performing La forza del destino. That’s right, this is conclusive evidence that OPERA WILL KILL YOU.

Scare people
Nothing brings folk around to your way of thinking more effectively than scaring the bejesus out of them. The anti-drug campaigners tell us drugs will send you insane and leave you a drooling basket case. Anti-pornography campaigners tell you masturbation makes you go blind, and turns you into an antisocial recluse who hates women. So what about opera? I’ve done some checking and found out that an opera singer emits a noise of anything up to one hundred decibels. The current Health and Safety legislation states that any noise above forty decibels should be treated as a potential hazard and protective equipment must be issued accordingly. OH MY FUCKING GOD – OPERA WILL MAKE YOU GO DEAF. RUN FOR THE HILLS.

If you’ve no sane way of backing up your argument, then you can always result to making stuff up off the top of your head. For example, marijuana is a ‘gateway’ drug, and if you smoke weed you will be a hardcore heroin addict by a week on Tuesday. Likewise, pornography causes men to rape women. There is no evidence to back up any of these claims, but people freely wheel them out every time they want to waggle their finger and tell you not to do stuff. So let’s make up a lie about opera. How about this; Hitler liked opera. FUCKING HELL, IF YOU LISTEN TO OPERA YOU WILL DEFINITELY GO ON TO COMMIT GENOCIDE.

Make some groovy t-shirts.
You need a catchy slogan printed across your chest if you’re to get your way, so here are a few examples I've come up with.

So there we have it. I shall be launching my campaign to have opera banned next week, and I thoroughly expect to gain wall to wall press coverage for my opinions within a few days. No doubt you will see me on the television, waving my arms about and pulling scary faces as I warn people of the terrible danger opera poses to the very fabric of our society.

Repeat after me:

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