In yet another calamitous financial miscalculation, I last year decided to invest heavily to produce my first ever official calendar. With twelve themed, highly erotic photographs of myself hanging on the kitchen wall of every housewife in the land, the SJ Smith Calendar 2019 would bolster my brand and bring in some much-needed readies. It worked for the woman in that Helen Mirren movie, so why, I reasoned, should it not work for me?
Unfortunately, the Official SJ Smith Calendar 2019 proved to be the only publication released in 2018 to shift less units than my novel Return to the House of fox, and now, with the new year well and truly upon us, I am not only skint, but my home is packed to the rafters with boxes full of unsold copies and I don’t have enough room to swing my cock around.
I have therefore decided to place the calendar on half price sale, hoping to scrape back some cash and free up my living room.
The calendar is beautifully printed on recycled man-sized tissues, and features twelve tasteful nudes. The highlights include:
- Mr January - SJ Smith shovelling winter snow, with his knob out.
- Mr July – SJ Smith sniffing a bouquet of fragrant blooms, with his knob out.
- Mr October – SJ Smith dressed as a spooky ghost, with his knob out.
- Mr December – SJ Smith hanging baubles and eating a mince pie. With his knob out.
You can get your half-priced copy of the Official SJ Smith Calendar 2019 by rooting right to the bottom of the bargain bin in your local pound shop. Or if you’d prefer to receive it for free, then simply wait until March, when I will be fly-tipping the whole lot in the layby near the roundabout.