I’ve had a gutful.
I lie in bed watching the breakfast news every morning, and it’s always the same. After the highly paid female sports reporter has finished her round up, the highly paid female anchor hands over to the highly paid female business correspondent, who speaks to a highly paid female executive on the subject of how it’s impossible for women to get highly paid jobs because of that awful glass ceiling holding the poor dabs back. And then I drag my evil male body and my repressive penis to work, where my highly paid female boss tells me what I need to do to earn my minimum wage that day.
Right now there’s a bunch of feminists celebrating the demise of Page 3, a uniquely British tradition of placing a photograph of a girl with her tits out, just inside the front cover of certain newspapers. Page 3 is repressive and demeans women – it should be banned, they cry. Far be it from me to point out that a fortnight ago many of these same people were trumpeting about freedom of expression and changing their Twitter avatars to those annoying little ‘Je Suis Charlie’ pictures. I guess freedom of expression is entirely subjective in some people’s eyes, but that’s a topic for another day.
I think the time has come for me to present my theory to the world, a theory I’ve been working on for many years. But before I start, let’s get one thing out the way; I’m not a sexist or a misogynist; I happen to think women are every bit as idiotic and hypocritical as men are. It would be entirely discriminatory of me to deny females their right to be total fucking idiots, based on their gender. Got that?
My theory is this; everything bad that happens in the world is entirely the fault of women. And if you haven’t stopped reading by this point, intent on rattling off a complaint to someone or other, then I shall explain the rationale behind my thinking.
All the bad stuff that goes on, all the murder, corruption, repression, terrorism, starvation and so on, is generally down to men; you don’t see too many women rising to the rank of dictator and committing genocide. But as the saying goes, behind every good man there’s a good woman, or rather bad men and bad women in this case. So why do you suppose these evil men do the things they do? It’s simple; they do it because they want to get into a woman’s pants.
Adolf Hitler did what he did because he wanted to play hide the sausage with Eva Braun, and Napolean did want to do it that night with Josephine.
Before you accuse me of talking bollocks, let’s step back and examine a few truths about reality. The male of every species in the world goes all out to prove their power, while the female stands back egging them on. That much is undeniable, go watch the buck deer in the park kicking the shit out of each other every rutting season if you don’t believe me. If we strip away all the nonsense and accept the fact that humans are nothing more than highly developed animals, then doesn’t it make sense that we do all the same things for all the same reasons as every other animal that walks this Earth? We exist for one purpose, to fight for the right to pass on our DNA to the next generation and ensure our offspring take over from us when we’re gone.
The males demonstrate their strength, and the females reward them by jumping on their bone.
So maybe if the females, instead of jumping into the bed with the most powerful male, said hang on a minute, that wasn’t a very nice thing you did to that fellow over there. You’d better stop acting like a fucking idiot if you want to impress me, then perhaps the world would be a better place.
Maybe if a high flying businessman who’d recently thrown a thousand people out of work in order to buy himself a new sports car, found himself completely ostracised by the women of the world, rather than have them queuing up to wrap their lips around his tiny cock and grab themselves a share of the spoils, then perhaps he wouldn’t do it in the first place. Maybe if girls chased after humanitarians and charity workers, rather than premiership footballers, life would be fairer.
So females everywhere, listen to what I say. Stop bleating about how repressed you are. You hold the power of the universe right there between your legs; you have the ultimate say in what goes on, because men are idiots who are only interested in one thing, and it is you who decides whether they get that thing or not.
If every woman on this planet announced a ban on sex until such time as all the evils in the world stopped, then I guarantee we’d live in a utopian paradise by Christmas.