Yes, finally I can break the news I’ve been dying to share for the past few weeks. A milestone has been achieved, a hurdle leapt, a landmark created. The fruits of my labour are swollen with sweet, sweet juice, as the day of reckoning arrives. That’s right, people, I can finally announce that I, SJ Smith, have at long last perfected my design for the world’s first ever pair of self-cleaning underpants.
The ramifications of this new invention are huge. Imagine never having to change your undies again. Imagine no longer having to make that dreaded, once a decade trip to the market to buy new boxers. With the SJ Smith Patent Perma-Pant, you’ll save a fortune on washing machine costs and your laundry hamper will remain pleasing empty.
You can sleep in them, eat in them, go to work in them. You can use them for sporting activities or social occasions. And the whole time you’ll feel confident and fresh, thanks to the unique micro-technology incorporated into every pair of Perma-Pants.
The road to this victorious day has not always been an easy one. Early prototype pants were beset with such niggles as pube wilt and bell scratchery, but with the teething problems ironed out, the Mark III Perma-Pant performs to the very highest standards of crotch safety. In recent tests, nine out of ten gentlemen said they would recommend Perma-Pants to a friend.
Perma-Pants will be available in a range of sizes and colours, from all good underwear stockists. A new dawn in male intimate hygiene is upon us; throw away your washing powder and soap, for they will hence forth be redundant. The Self-Cleaning revolution is here.