Wank for Victory

As the Covid 19 crisis deepens, the government have today implored Brits to stay at home and masturbate in a bid to support the NHS. 

Using new emergency powers granted by a late-night parliamentary debate, the Ministry of Rudeness has announced drastic changes to the TV schedules in a bid to give the nation all the ammunition it needs for a long-haul wank session. Highlights include:

BBC1

Sunday 18:00             Countryfile.

John Craven goes Dogging.

Monday 19:30             Bake Off

Paul Hollywood gives Mary Berry a cream pie.

Tuesday 20:00            Dad’s Army

Godfrey tea-bags Private Fraser. Corporal Jones repeatedly shouts “They don’t like it up ‘em”, while anally penetrating the vicar.

Wednesday 19:30       Eastenders

Ethel catches Nasty Nick having a wank, and blackmails him into a menage a trois with herself and Dr Legg. Pete Beale does the glory hole in the Queen Vic toilets.

Friday 15:00                Jackanory

Idris Elba reads the unabridged novelisation of Two Girls, One Cup

Saturday 20:00            Casualty

Charlie gives Kuba an enema.

ITV

Monday 10:30             This Morning

Holly and Phil enjoy a bukkake session with the household cavalry.

Wednesday 13:00       Very Loose Women

The Nolan Sisters are in the mood for lezzing off.

New Feature: Janet Street-Porter’s Shortest Daughter’s Water-Sports Court Report. In a blatant act of nepotism, Janet’s least tall female offspring gets the job presenting a behind the scenes commentary, live from the debating chamber where her toothsome mother urinates on feuding neighbours.

Thursday 16:00           The Chase

Bradley Walsh chases after Mark Labett and rapes him.

Friday 16:30                Blockbusters

A trio of horny teens have a pee on Bob Holness.

Saturday 19:30            Coronation Street

Hilda Ogden is surprised when Ken Barlow invites her round for a session of auto-erotic asphyxiation.