As the Covid 19 crisis deepens, the government have today
implored Brits to stay at home and masturbate in a bid to support the NHS.
Using
new emergency powers granted by a late-night parliamentary debate, the Ministry
of Rudeness has announced drastic changes to the TV schedules in a bid to give
the nation all the ammunition it needs for a long-haul wank session. Highlights
include:
BBC1
Sunday 18:00 Countryfile.
John Craven goes Dogging.
Monday 19:30 Bake Off
Paul Hollywood gives Mary Berry a cream pie.
Tuesday 20:00 Dad’s
Army
Godfrey tea-bags Private Fraser. Corporal Jones repeatedly
shouts “They don’t like it up ‘em”, while anally penetrating the vicar.
Wednesday 19:30 Eastenders
Ethel catches Nasty Nick having a wank, and blackmails him
into a menage a trois with herself and Dr Legg. Pete Beale does the glory hole
in the Queen Vic toilets.
Friday 15:00 Jackanory
Idris Elba reads the unabridged novelisation of Two Girls,
One Cup
Saturday 20:00 Casualty
Charlie gives Kuba an enema.
ITV
Monday 10:30 This
Morning
Holly and Phil enjoy a bukkake session with the household
cavalry.
Wednesday 13:00 Very
Loose Women
The Nolan Sisters are in the mood for lezzing off.
New Feature: Janet Street-Porter’s Shortest Daughter’s
Water-Sports Court Report. In a blatant act of nepotism, Janet’s least tall
female offspring gets the job presenting a behind the scenes commentary, live
from the debating chamber where her toothsome mother urinates on feuding
neighbours.
Thursday 16:00 The
Chase
Bradley Walsh chases after Mark Labett and rapes him.
Friday 16:30 Blockbusters
A trio of horny teens have a pee on Bob Holness.
Saturday 19:30 Coronation
Street
Hilda Ogden is surprised when Ken Barlow invites her round for a
session of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
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