Covid 19 Announcement

The Minister of Rudeness has today announced a raft of measures aimed at easing suffering during the Covid 19 pandemic. “With our nation socially isolating and working from home, we are experiencing an unprecedented ten-fold rise in masturbation,” Sir Nigel Tits told a packed press conference. “That’s why we in the government have worked closely with mainstream broadcasters to ensure the British public receive all the help they need to get them through the Corona virus crisis. We have put together a package which will bring hand relief to all, no matter their age, gender or sexual orientation”.

Sir Nigel then unveiled his new daytime TV schedules, which are likely to cause raised eyebrows in some quarters.

ITV

8:30 Daybreak

Suzanne Reid blushes and coyly smiles while Piers Morgan has a loud and belligerent wank.

10:30 This Morning

Gino de Campo cooks a selection of tasty Italian treats and shoves them up Phillip Schofield’s anus. Meanwhile, Holly Willoughby discusses feminism and women’s issues while skipping.

12:30 Very Loose Women

The girls get naked and experiment with lesbian frottage. Meanwhile, Janet Street-Porter hosts a new segment entitled ‘Street-Porter’s Water Sports Court’, in which she makes final rulings on community disputes, then pisses on the losers.

7:30 Coronation Street

Les Battersbee becomes embroiled in the shady world of BDSM

BBC

6:30 Breakfast

Bill Turnbull blushes and coyly smiles while Loise Minchin has a loud and belligerent wank.

10:30  Celebrity Lesbian SOS

Tommy Walsh goes to the aid of a group of celebrity lesbians who have become entangled after experimenting with frottage.

1:00 News at One

Fiona Bruce reads the lunchtime headlines, with her tits out.

6:00  Evening News

Laura Kunesburgh brings us all the latest propaganda from Tory HQ, while being sodomised by a gorilla.

7:30 Eastenders

Dirty Den gives Ange one up the wrong 'un. Meanwhile, Arthur must make the difficult choice between stealing the Christmas club money and getting spit roasted by Lofty Holloway and Mr Wilmott-Brown

Channel 4

3:30 Countdown

Rachel Riley shouts the answers to quite difficult sums while being gangbanged by Palestinians.

4:30  Deal or Cock

Fifteen intrepid contestants take it in turn to open a series of red boxes, not knowing which one Noel Edmunds has stuck his cock in.