The Minister of Rudeness has today announced a raft of
measures aimed at easing suffering during the Covid 19 pandemic. “With our
nation socially isolating and working from home, we are experiencing an
unprecedented ten-fold rise in masturbation,” Sir Nigel Tits told a packed
press conference. “That’s why we in the government have worked closely with mainstream broadcasters to ensure the British public receive all the help they need to
get them through the Corona virus crisis. We have put together a package which
will bring hand relief to all, no matter their age, gender or sexual
orientation”.
Sir Nigel then unveiled his new daytime TV schedules, which
are likely to cause raised eyebrows in some quarters.
ITV
8:30 Daybreak
Suzanne Reid blushes and coyly smiles while Piers Morgan has
a loud and belligerent wank.
10:30 This Morning
Gino de Campo cooks a selection of tasty Italian treats and
shoves them up Phillip Schofield’s anus. Meanwhile, Holly Willoughby discusses
feminism and women’s issues while skipping.
The girls get naked and experiment with lesbian frottage.
Meanwhile, Janet Street-Porter hosts a new segment entitled ‘Street-Porter’s
Water Sports Court’, in which she makes final rulings on community disputes,
then pisses on the losers.
7:30 Coronation Street
Les Battersbee becomes embroiled in the shady world of
BDSM
BBC
6:30 Breakfast
Bill Turnbull blushes and coyly smiles while Loise Minchin
has a loud and belligerent wank.
10:30 Celebrity
Lesbian SOS
Tommy Walsh goes to the aid of a group of celebrity lesbians
who have become entangled after experimenting with frottage.
1:00 News at One
Fiona Bruce reads the lunchtime headlines, with her tits out.
6:00 Evening News
Laura Kunesburgh brings us all the latest propaganda from
Tory HQ, while being sodomised by a gorilla.
7:30 Eastenders
Dirty Den gives Ange one up the wrong 'un. Meanwhile, Arthur must make the difficult choice between stealing the Christmas club money and getting spit roasted by Lofty Holloway and Mr Wilmott-Brown
Channel 4
3:30 Countdown
Rachel Riley shouts the answers to quite difficult sums while
being gangbanged by Palestinians.
4:30 Deal or Cock
Fifteen intrepid contestants take it in turn to open a
series of red boxes, not knowing which one Noel Edmunds has stuck his cock in.
