Halloween Blog

I’m spending this October thirty-first in the traditional British manner; hiding in the back room with the lights off and the curtains drawn, hoping no fucker knocks on the door. All this Halloween ‘holiday’ nonsense is alien to me. It drifted over from America sometime in the early nineties. First I knew of it, I was round about eighteen, and kids were suddenly banging on the door from the middle of October onwards, demanding money or else they would brick the windows. It was like some new excuse for armed robbery.

Fortunately, here at Castell Spinbreath I have a very long, very steep drive, which puts off all but the most determined of do-gooders, bible bashers and scroungers. By the time they get up here they’re so out of breath they can barely get their spiel out. Not that I answer the door, of course.

I should be using this time of quietude to write, to get stuck into one of the umpteen unfinished novels I’m working on, but alas, my concentration span is utterly fucked after a stressful few weeks and it just ain’t happening.

On top of all the other catastrophes I’ve recently endured, last week a Chinaman abused my hospitality, outstayed his welcome and busted up loads of my shit. The day after I threw the little bastard out, he went running to the CAB, told a pack of lies and now those fuckers are on my back as well. I received an angry phonecall from a Scouse woman, who seemed to fancy herself as Jeremy Kyle, and thought if she shouted at me long enough I’d wilt and beg forgiveness.

So yes, I hereby apologise. I’m sorry I had the temerity to try and make some money from my business. Had I known I was actually running a charity to provide luxury accommodation for spoilt brats who earn three times as much as I do, then obviously I would have bent over further and applied a more expensive brand of lubricant.

Who Whacked Jack?

So, most of the JFK papers have now been released, as promised, although a few are still being held back at the insistence of the CIA. The common opinion is that nothing particularly new or radical has been unearthed. There’s a rather wild story about a guy at a Cambridge newspaper receiving an anonymous call along the lines of “telephone the American embassy for the big news”, half an hour before the assassination. It’s the sort of thing that will have the conspiracy theorists chomping at the bit, but isn’t anything that interests me.

No, the release that caught my attention was a memo written by everyone’s favourite cross-dressing megalomaniac, J Edgar Hoover.

“The thing I am concerned about, and so is Mr Katzenbach, is having something issued so that we can convince the public that Oswald is the real assassin,”

Had Hoover written this three months, or even three weeks into the investigation, it might not sound so fishy. The truth is he wrote it three days into the investigation. He actually wrote it before a man with known mobster ties, walked unchallenged into the police station where Oswald was being held, and shot him dead, live on TV.

Three days after a president gets shot, would you not think the head of the Federal Bureau of INVESTIGATION would be interested in discovering the facts, rather than dictating his own opinion to the public?

At best, you can say this is evidence of shoddy police work. At worst you could say it points to Hoover being determined the truth should never out. He refused to consider, from day one, that Oswald may be part of a conspiracy. Even when Oswald said he was a patsy, right before a mafia gunman killed him, Hoover stuck to his own version of events.

Is there any reason the head of the FBI, a man who helped bring to justice such notorious criminals as Dillinger and Bonnie and Clyde, would want to cover up the murder of the president? Well, that depends. Hoover was notorious for hating Catholics and Liberals. JFK was a liberal catholic. JFK insisted Hoover should investigate the mafia. Hoover had ignored the mafia’s existence for twenty years. Hoover was widely regarded to be homosexual, a fact he strove to hide his entire life, therefore was entirely open to blackmail should anyone happen to possess a photograph of him getting up to kinky mischief with a man, which the mafia frequently claimed they did.

Hoover directed more time and resources into investigating the Black Panthers than he did the KKK. He had his agents collect dirt on politicians and celebrities so he could stash it for personal leverage. He was the whisperer behind the McCarthy Witch Trials. He ran the FBI as a personal army. He was a racist, homophobic voyeur.

I think the real question should be, is there any reason we should believe a single word that came out of Hoover’s mouth? Given what has come to light since his death, that he was a ‘corrupt, human sewer’, should we believe the snap judgement he pedalled in November of 1963, before Kennedy’s body was even cold, that Oswald acted alone?

Hoover held power over the USA for half a century. His influence over everyone, from the police to the president, should not be underestimated. Anyone who knows him merely as a figure of fun, as a harmless old tranny, really needs to do a bit of research.

I advance no theories. I only ask you consider whether there is scope for doubting the official explanation, given the character of the man who made it. 

JFK: Is There Any Reason To Believe It Wasn’t A Cover Up?

This Thursday the legendary ‘Secret JFK Papers’ are due to be released, and as the subject fascinates me so much, I thought I’d write a quick blog about it. I have no conspiracy theories to advance, I simply want to question the reliability of the conclusion Oswald acted alone, given it was reached by one of the shadiest characters in American history.

Who conducted the investigation and blamed the killing solely on Oswald?

The FBI, under the leadership of J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover was in charge of the agency for some fifty years; people were terrified of him due to the vast number of secret ‘dirt’ files he held on every public figure in America. No president was able to get rid of him, in fact he died still in office aged seventy-seven.

Who had recently come under pressure from the Kennedys to investigate the mafia, after steadfastly ignoring their activities for two decades?

J Edgar Hoover. He long turned a blind eye to organised crime, preferring to hunt down sexual deviants and commies.

Which leading persecutor of homosexuals did the mafia claim to have photographed in a compromising position with a man?

J Edgar Hoover. There is no evidence to suspect he was gay, other than his constantly being seen kissing and holding hands with his lifelong male lover.

Who was in charge of collating FBI evidence to hand over to the Warren Commission, which would ultimately back the agency’s findings?

J Edgar Hoover.

Which agency was found to have been in contact with Oswald in the months before the assassination, but destroyed documentary evidence in a bid to hide the fact from the Warren Commission?

The FBI, under the leadership of J Edgar Hoover.

Who was discovered to have illegally conducted secret ‘COINTELPRO’ operations, aimed at discrediting left wing figures, including Martin Luther King Jr?

J Edgar Hoover. He even had one of his goons write a letter to MLK urging him to commit suicide, on the day he won his Nobel Peace Prize.

Who, in the decades since his death, has been described variously as ‘The worst public servant in history’, ‘Corrupt’, ‘Virtually a Nazi’ and ‘Possibly suffering a personality disorder’?

Richard Nixon. No – just kidding – it was J Edgar Hoover.

So, there you have it. Do we really have any reason to doubt the integrity of a corrupt, self-loathing Nazi? Should we simply dismiss as lies the words of a man, purely on the basis he lied about every other single fucking thing in existence?

I don’t know. You be the judge.

And see how I never even mentioned the fact he liked to wear a dress?