It’s a question I am frequently asked; is it possible to
make your own wine from bogies?
In these days of austerity, every penny counts, so the idea
of a never-ending supply of free booze is one we all yearn for. With this in
mind, the good news is yes, you can make your own wine from bogies, and in this
article, I’m going to teach you how.
Selecting your Bogies
Bogies, or boogers as our American cousins wrongly call
them, are an ideal ingredient for fermentation. Rich in minerals and vitamins,
and with a zesty, slightly salty bouquet, bogies can be used as a substitute
for grapes to begin brewing your own plonk almost immediately. A good, daily
rummage up the schnozz can yield anything up to three or four grams, but if you’re
serious about making wine then you’re going to have be more ambitious with your
harvest. Fortunately, most people don’t know the value of their nasal cargo,
and foolishly throw their bogies in the bin. So why not get your friends and
family to contribute their bogies to your effort? You can always offer them a
bottle of the finished product in return for their help.
If you don’t have a wide social circle, then another
possibility is to go bogie foraging in and around your local area. Most
strangers will happily let you shove your finger up their nostrils to dig out a
nugget or two, but make sure you obtain permission from the nose owner first.
And while all bogies can be utilised in winemaking, you should try to avoid
those coming from coke addicts or coal miners.
Pubes
Once you have collected your bogies, you will need to get
your hands on a couple of other ingredients. First of all, pubes. Pubes are
what will give the wine its body and colour; black pubes produce a heavy, dark
drink, while blonde pubes will make for a lighter, more refreshing beverage.
Ginger pubes should be avoided, as they lead to instability during the latter
stages of the brew, although more experienced winemakers swear they use nothing
else.
Yeast
Winemaking shops will charge you a small fortune for yeast,
but why fork out hard earned cash when you have a readymade yeast factory in
the shape of your wife’s tuppence? With a few lifestyle changes, she’ll soon be
pumping out enough of the stuff to keep you in free booze until the end of your
days.
Get her into some tight-fitting underwear, insist she use a
harshly perfumed soap and hide all the yoghurt, and within a week you’ll be
ready to harvest your yeast. When your wife’s complaining and scratching
reaches unbearable proportions, take a teaspoon and scrape up any grey
discharge from in and around her flappy bits. Leave what you collect to dry in
a warm, airy place such as a windowsill, then simply pop it in the fridge until
you’re ready to use it.
Method
Now for the exciting part. Place your bogies into a bucket
and pour in a gallon of water, then get your feet in there and squish those
bogies into a mush. Some recipes recommend washing your feet first, but
personally I find this step unnecessary. Once the bogies have reached the
consistency of snot, throw in a handful of pubes and pitch in the yeast. Now
place your concoction in a cupboard and forget about it for a while.
If, after a week, your wine is foaming and giving off an
ungodly stench, then you’re on the right tracks. Leave to ferment for another
three months, then pour into old Lidl own brand cola bottles. After a further
six months your creation should be ready to sample. Invite a few friends around
and watch the look on their faces when you tell them this wine cost you not one
penny.
Taken from the forthcoming book ‘Getting Shitfaced on a Budget’, by SJ Smith.
Disclaimer; SJ Smith accepts no responsibility for acute
poisoning or death resulting from this recipe. Brewers of this beverage do so
at their own risk.
